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  • Search and Searchability

    A gentle satire on search engine interaction

    It is a truth universally acknowledged that a software firm in possession of a large fortune must be in want of an acquisition…

    There is something tremendously satisfying about watching the search engine firms flirt, fall out, argue and compete. It is so very human, for all that they are enormous and powerful corporations. The recent Microsoft attempts at acquiring Yahoo! made me think of a regency romance, far trashier than Jane Austen:

    Miss Yahoo! shrank back against the piano, pale but determined. “Sir,” she gasped, “your offer insults me. You think my love can be bought with trinkets!”
    The Marquis de Microsoft stroked his moustache and raised a haughty eyebrow. “Madam, I have made you a respectable offer. I am a wealthy man with a large and reliable fortune. ‘Twould be madness to refuse me.” He stalked to the fireplace and stared deep into the flames, gritting his teeth. “Furthermore, my dear, I have told half of London that I shall marry you and marry you I shall!”

    She glared at his figure, hunched powerfully over the fireplace, and strengthened her resolve. “I do not wish to marry… you.”

    Just then, the door burst open and Sir Guy of Google charged into the room. “Unhand her, sir!” he demanded, slightly unnecessarily, for the two were standing some distance from one another, each disdainful in their mutual dislike. “Miss Yahoo!, don’t throw yourself away on the Marquis de Microsoft. Do not trust his solicitations! I have reason to believe his intentions are not honourable.”

    The Marquis eyed the knight of Google with a steely contempt and laid his hand meaningfully upon his sword. Without taking his eyes from the younger man, he snapped curtly at Miss Yahoo! “I give you until Saturday to change your mind. After that, I shall wait upon your family who will accept my offer on your behalf!” and he stormed out of the room.

    Shortly after these stirring scenes it was remarked that – far from chasing her further – the Marquis de Microsoft shunned the presence of Miss Yahoo!. Some thought he had grown tired of being rebuffed, others suggested that those who might have forced her into such a union did not choose to. However, some could not help noticing that the Marquis was spending considerable time with the nouveau riche, like the dashing Lady Facebook and Mademoiselle Myspace…

    ABOUT THE AUTHOR

    7 Responses to “Search and Searchability”

    1. ms place says:

      Fabulous. This had me titter with polite laughter into my teacup.

    2. Lady Neferankh says:

      Little Mademoiselle Journal-Vivante, another French visitor in London, or Lady LiveJournal as the English called her, took note of these events with interests. She was about the same age as Mlle. Myspace or Lady Facebook, and she had had a few young gentleman express interest in her, had even entered–and then broken engagements with them. Somehow, none seemed right, and none to be sure, had been as rich or as dashing as Mssrs. Google or Microsoft.

      This was all the cause of a good deal of grief to the young lady’s family. Often it was lamented, within her hearing too, that she possessed a respectable fortune, was a sensible young lady, still quite young, why could she not find a suitable match?

      The answer was one she could detect easily enough in her mirror,for however much thought she might put into the layout of her gowns each night, she was no beauty. Though her wit might be sharper compared to the rather forward and flighty Lady Facebook, or her thoughts more profound than that of the sometimes, well, vulgar Mlle. Myspace–she lacked their spark, their dazzling air–that caused a crowd of both friends and admirers to gather round them wherever they went.

      Lady LiveJournal’s friends, be they French of English, were few and far between. But those whose affection she had chosen to cultivate, she loved dearly. Hardly a day would pass when she did not write them, informing them of recent events. When they wrote her in turn, she was quick to reply , commenting, in honest yet sweet fashion, on all they had related to her. As soon as they received her missive, they hastened to respond in turn. Often lively and playful exchanges were had among the friends this way, and though they might rarely see each other, the passing days served only to draw them closer.

      At present, she was engaged once again, to a young Mr. Six-Apart. A respectable, industrious gentleman, of good family, with hopes of being elevated to the knighthood one day. The news of her approaching marriage had been hailed with joy by many–save her closest friends. In civil, but frank terms, they urged her to reconsider. They did not think he was a man who would make her happy. When Lady LiveJournal protested, saying that she valued their advice, but was certain of their being mistaken, they took offense, so deeply that for an entire day, in the middle of cold, gray March–she heard not a word from them.

      At last they relented somewhat, and said they would attempt to give the eager suitor the benefit of the doubt, if not for his sake, then for hers.

    3. SEO Leeds says:

      Great way of looking at the situation, Celia.

    4. Steve says:

      now that M$ are talking to Yahoo again, and Carl Icahn is involved, maybe you can update this :-)

    5. [...] As my fellow blogger Celia might say, the course of true love never did run smooth and Microsoft’s ego must be feeling a little [...]

    6. Raquel says:

      Hello, Celia
      I have loved that Miss Yahoo romance!
      My name is Raquel and I have a blog about Jane Austen in Portuguese, here in Brazil. I would love to translate, with the due credits and links, to Portuguese this “little bit of ivory” from your pen. If not possible, its is ok.
      Thank you.

    7. Bel says:

      I’ll ignore the fact that you called the great Jane Austen “cheese” and say that this was brilliant! I was laghing so hard the neibours probably thought I had gonne crazy! Totally recommended!

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